A Dios

It's already August 2012. Wait, how did this happen? It couldn't have already been two years, right? The time has come to clean out my office desk(s), pack up everything in my little monastic cell and say "adios" to the parishioners, clients, friends and youth that I love so much. "Adios" isn't a good-bye, its telling another, "go with God, and I'll see you again when God wills."

I remember prepping myself for the transition back in February. It was during Lent while we were getting the youth ready for Stations of the Cross and the Proclamation. That process was exhausting, to say the least, and there was the temptation to not put as much effort or heart into it. But I remember telling myself, "Megan, this is it. This may be the last opportunity you have with these youth. Lent only comes once a year. So do it with your whole heart." And I did. 

For a few months, I forgot about the whole "leaving" business until just recently, when I couldn't find the space to forgive myself. My heart and mind were so focused on what I didn't do well enough, what I should have said or shouldn't have said and what I could have done better. I still continued on with my work, but my heart just felt like it was in turmoil. I couldn't wait to leave, because I thought that was best for everyone. 

It took some tears and a lot of prayer to discover the hope and joy that still lived in my heart. It was there all along, but was hidden among the rubble of disappointment. Once I started to clear that out, the hope and joy pushed it's way through and you couldn't even see the mess of what was, anymore.

So I'm just doing my thing and living in God's love. God has shown me the importance of presence this year. That's all I'm doing; living in the present and loving with all I have.

But you all wanna know what's happening next, right? This is the best conversation I gave to one of my JVC program coordinators at Dis-Orientation:

PC: So what are you doing next year, Megan?

Me: I'm going to change the world.

PC: Oh, and how are you going to do that?

Me: Step by step.

PC: And how do you hope to start?

Me: Through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

After that, she stopped asking me questions. But that's my answer, as vague as it may seem to you. To be quite honest, I haven't even looked at employment opportunities yet. My heart has been here. It's had no time to focus on anything else. But of course, I have thought about what's to come. I'm going back to San Diego. And I recognize the great privilege it is to move home. My parents -who have done so much for me these two years, and they don't even know it - have given me the freedom to come home and process and not worry about immediately having an income. I am looking forward to reconnecting with the university, the salsa scene, LJPC and all my friends and family in the SoCal area. I hoping to scope out the Bhangra dance opportunities, as well as try my feet and hands at something new. I hope to connect with non-profit organizations in the city and spend my time with issues and people that I care about. And of course, I'll be making friends with the Jesuits at Our Lady of Guadalupe Church (I love God's humor) in Logan Heights. And through it all, I will do my best to listen to the Holy Spirit guiding me, and respond in gratitude, obedience and love. 

Thinking about these last few months and looking ahead at whats to come, I keep returning back to something that Fr. Ron told me months ago, "It's not what you do, it's how you do it." So I don't have full- time employment when I come to San Diego. I would hope that would come with time, but that's not what defines me and my life right now. It's how I choose to engage my heart in whatever is happening now - and I hope God gives me the joy to live it fully everyday. 

People also ask, "well, when the time comes, what do you want to do for a career? What do you want to study in grad school?" Man, another tough question that I have to answer...but that's only if you look at the surface. Another great Jesuit, Fr. Brian, after knowing our community for about 45 minutes, gave us some beautiful insight into life. People are always seeking the will of God in their lives. What is it that God wants me to do? What direction does he want me to take? Do I pursue youth ministry, pastoral ministry or something else in the non-profit world? How am I suppose to know exactly what God wants from me? Well, the answer is quite simple if you dig a little deeper. The will of God in our lives is to conform ourselves to Christ. If we simply pursue this in our lives, our deep happiness and vocation will be revealed.

This next week will be filled with "thank you"s and "see you later"s. Right after that I'll be saying "hello" once again to friends and family I've missed dearly. My heart holds so much - the deep gratitude for the opportunity to serve here, the love for everyone who has entered and touched my life, the joy in witnessing God's undeniable presence and the peace to say "a Dios"; go with God. Just because I'm leaving, doesn't mean it isn't breaking my heart.