The month of January seemed like a very long month, filled with growth, struggles and fun. The consistent theme in my life during this month was my experience and understanding of community-both my home and the wider community of the parish.
I returned to San Antonio for New Years after a week in California where I was surrounded by people who loved me, and I found a renewed sense of peace and encouragement to keep going. My family and friends affirmed me when I felt so challenged with my role and presence in my home community in San Antonio. However, I was excited to start fresh, have more confidence and hold onto that peace my heart so deeply yearns for.
To kick things off, I spent New Year's with Laura (my housemate) and the Chavez family. It was quite entertaining and I loved listening to the Chavez children recount stories when they were younger. It was a beautiful opportunity to be welcomed into someone else's family like we were that night.
My home has been a different story. My heart has remained heavy with all that I struggle with here at home. This statement is not to dismiss the joy, silliness and depth that I already receive from community members in any way, but I still struggle. At times, I come home to feel like I'm invisible and belittled. I feel like a minority in my decisions, thoughts and actions and it is quite intimidating. However, I recognize that I can do something about it. And so begins my challenge. The first point I came to terms with is that I have a lot to grow in, in terms of dealing with conflict. I am one who does not want to disturb the peace, yet I allow the peace within me to be disrupted for the sake of the situation. But I've stopped being passive and have actually said something. It's exhausting, but freeing, and my heart has felt lighter. The second point I recognized is that I shouldn't compromise my values. I've been feeling a tension in my heart because I haven't been keeping true to who I am. How can you expect to work for peace if it's not even in your own heart? Lastly, I remind myself that I am a beloved child of God. God loves me and hasn't left me to live this alone.
Like I said, this is not to dismiss the joy I already feel through some of the girls. Many of you reading this know Kelsey (Kelsey is a close friend of mine from USD and we happened to get placed in the same house). I've got to give a shout out to her because she is so incredible. Our conversations, our frustrations, our silliness (we slid down the stairs on a mattress one night with Laura), and our prayers together, allow me recognize that I am not alone in anything. Her values, beauty, perspectives, thoughtfulness, perseverence, sassyness and silliness are inspiring and I'm so humbled to be in her life and walking this journey together.
Walking out my front door, I have found peace and joy in the parish community. Throughout January, I've made new friends and closer friends with other parishioners. It's been really neat growing my circle of friends outside of my home community. They all may be 20 years older than me, but hey, they're awesome people.
I've also spent more time with the youth throughout the week. Every Tuesday, I pick up a small group of high school girls from school and we hang out at a cafe or the park and do some faith-based activities that I planned for us. It has been incredible to witness the curiosity and enthusiasm these girls have in pursuing their relationship with God and living it out through their everyday lives. I've also been to a number of band performances and sports competitions that the youth are involved in. I feel like an auntie rooting for my niece or nephew. I'm just so proud of them!
Through all of the trials, tears and joys of this month, I've recognized that my understanding of community turned out to be different than what it was in August. I had this vision that all of us in the house would be close friends and have this really neat bond and countless memories. Oy, I'm a little off with that expectation haha. But that's ok. We learn about our strengths and weaknesses and grow from these experiences. I've also recognized that "community" extends beyond my front door. There is a larger community that I connect with and my goodness, what a blessing it has been.
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