Free to Live and Love

I've been facilitating a class about prayer for two weeks now and one of our topics of conversation was how we hear and see God's work in our lives. One of the answers of a student was through "signs" or consistent confirmations. It's quite amusing that we talked about this and how evident God has been in trying to teach me something that I've never wanted to confront before.

I've done a pretty good job at running away from personal issues and insecurities for many years now (not something I'm proud of) until those issues arose again last fall. Now once more, I am confronted, but I find myself unable to run away. For some time now, I've struggled with allowing others to see when I fail, disppoint others or feel vulnerable. God's clever though, as I've had to confront all three of these over the past couple of weeks and have had to allow others into that mess.

But through it all, God has showed me that I am human. Yes, I make mistakes. Yes, I forgot this. Yes, I didn't think through that decision. And yes, I disappointed that person. The culture that surrounds us (or at least me) tells me that I must be perfect, flawless, efficient, the best of the best. And so when incidents happen, it's hard to forgive myself. And its funny because I tell other people to forgive themselves, yet I don't do it myself. I need to learn to see the larger picture; the greater perspective.

That being said, I've tried to find humor and a lesson in all the incidents that have happened. And I recognize that at this point, there is no one else who can do my job or be who I am, but me. So why not start a new day fresh, move forward and be mindful of where I was and where I want to be.

I am very thankful for three specific people in my life right now. First, my supervisor, Father Marty, for supporting me and forgiving me as I learn from my mistakes. Second, for Pearl, for widening my perspective on how to view life and how to live it. And third, my housemate Laura for being so understanding and patient in times where I have felt the most vulnerable.